The Magic of Silence

A reflection on loss, grief, support, and moving forward

There is magic in silence, but also pain.

I debated with myself whether to write about the sudden loss of my husband this past week and share it. The only thing that feels the same is my writing routine so it seemed fitting to articulate some insights. My emotions are stacked on each other and attack me when I am not looking. The events of the last few days will affect me and my writing for the rest of my life so it felt it important to reach out to my circle.

There are no words for people who are dealing with grief that truly comfort them. I don’t even have words for myself. I know that there will be a day that I will stop randomly crying, but I know this for certain: I will never get over his death.

I wear our wedding rings together on my left ring finger. The bands were specially designed to each have half a heart. We were truly two halves brought together.

New life patterns have to be established and instead of doing that I want to scream and throw a tantrum. I have no idea what my life will look like on the other side of the checklist of TO DO’s that plague me right now. In one way, I have more freedom than I ever have in my life, but I would gladly trade it to have him back.

I am grateful for the support of the friends I have, especially my writing circles. The support and love has been surprising to me. When my life blew up in 2015 almost everyone scattered like cockroaches when the light was turned on. Thankfully, that has not been the case.

There are still people in my life that sadly do not seem to have an empathic bone in their body and are throwing obstacles in my way. But I feel karma will take care of them eventually.

Individual reaction to loss is a funny thing. At work there were people who talked to me and others who avoided me like the death of a spouse is as contagious as COVID. I understand no one is malicious. They just don’t know what to say.

To be fair, I am an intensely private person so that may scare some people off. I have been called intimidating more than once in my life. I am sure it won’t be the last.

A friend who has suffered great loss in her life sent this quote to me:

It has brought me great comfort. I share it in hopes that if you are grieving it brings comfort to you as well.

Jon was my best friend, husband, lover, companion, comedy partner, life partner. He was my everything. He was my person and he took great care of me, our children and our home. We had many external obstacles over the years that were finally becoming nonexistent,  so I feel the happy life I had finally earned was ripped away. [Thank you Jenna for these words.] His suffering and pain is now over which is a degree of relief but now I feel like it was only transferred to me. We were connected in a cosmic way. I don’t feel he has completely left me, but I feel shattered. I also wear an identity of widow which I never imagined would be a label of mine.

My heart has been shattered into so many pieces they will never come back together. The shards float inside me and trigger my tears. Swollen eyes and wet cheeks are my new look. 

There are silly things that set me off. The new episode of a favorite reality show we only watched together and the beginning of A Discovery of Witches season 3. He was waiting for it to be released. I am certain moments like these will continue to happen when I least expect it.

One of the changes is I now have to cook for myself. If you would like to support me in a small way I ask you to link to a family or beloved recipe in the comments. It is comforting to me to cook dishes that bring love and comfort into other families.

Thank you for the love, support, words, and gifts that have helped me offset expenses. I truly appreciate you all. 

When 2022 began I had plans and hopes. I still do, but they are evolving in a much different way than I anticipated. My mantra for many years has been “Everything is Temporary” but I feel like it has sucker punched me in the heart at this point.

I am not the only one affected by his death. He left three biological children and one stepson as well. We are banding together to comfort each other.

Thank you are for your kindness and thoughts. Hug your people today and tell someone you love them. You never know how much time you have left.